Grieving child

[50ccMoM]

My ten year old just lost a close riding buddy and friend. How do you get a child through the grieving process. I have explained the obvious... remember the fun times and it's OK to cry ! His reply is always the same, why ? He is angry.

I have been with the RiderDown foundation for four years and I'm not at all prepared for this one. I have spent so much time preaching safety so that Ethan avoids injury I forgot about the lesson on possible heartache. :cry:

[char393]

Wow, I don't have an answer for you. I've never had to explain this to my kids.

I think anger is a natural part of grieving. I just..man, I've been starting at this trying to think of what I would do in your situation and I'm at a complete loss.

I've got nothing to offer other than I will be thinking of your family.

[xr650rocketman]

My ten year old just lost a close riding buddy and friend. How do you get a child through the grieving process. I have explained the obvious... remember the fun times and it's OK to cry ! His reply is always the same, why ? He is angry.

I have been with the RiderDown foundation for four years and I'm not at all prepared for this one. I have spent so much time preaching safety so that Ethan avoids injury I forgot about the lesson on possible heartache. :cry:


Angie, that's amazing that he's asking the one question that there never appears to be an answer for. Time changes our remembrances of the horror of the tragedy and allows us to dwell more on good memories rather than the bad ones. Time doesn't answer the question "Why did it happen?"

Will that question ever be answered? I don't know.

Be supportive and kind, lots of love and affection won't change what happened but it sure can't hurt. Don't stop talking about his friend either, it only lets things get a deeper hold inside.

The thoughts and prayers of the Smith family are with you all.

[plouffster]

Angie,
My 10 yr old son bailey and 6 yr old Hudson lost there best friend and uncle "Mini Rocketman as you know. I feel your pain. I was amazed at how these little guys seem to deal with such a loss like real troopers. You almost feel guilty for them. Your son will be very strong you will see. What really helped us is to talk with my boys about it and better yet, get them involved with trying to make somthing good come of this tragedy. This we did when we helped little Tyler Thompson, who broke both legs when he ran into a tree at age 7. We brought this little guy an RDF ARC Angel bag full of goodies. My kids new they did somthing wonderfull for this little guy when he smiled from ear to ear the entire time we spent with him. His parents were at a loss for the RDF support. Things like this really helped my boys. Hope we can help in some way. Joel/Mini Rocketman Racing Team.

[50ccMoM]

We have had a lot of snuggle time tonite. Which is rare at times, it's just the age I guess. I keep encouraging him to talk about it. He is coming around, slowly. He is having trouble sleeping. This worries me. He says he can't stop thinking about his buddy.

He has a project in mind. A remembrance for his friend from all his buddies. He wants to take it to the funeral. I think this is good thing. A step in the right direction. Thank you everyone.

[MxMom94]

Hi Angie

I saw this post and knew I had to write. I am so sorry you and Ethan are having to go through this and there aren't easy answers. Each child will grieve in his own way. I remember the day Willie died like it was yesterday, and going into the ER room with Cody when he asked if he could say goodbye to Willie--God my heart hurts and tears fall (I am a sobbing idiot right now) just thinking about it. It does not go away, but fortunately as our lives continue to go on, time has a way of taking more of our concentration to other things.

If Ethan has thought of a project, that will probably be what he needs to find his "release"--Some things Cody did (He was 11 or 12 at the time)- was make a poster for Willie and gave to Bob and Tanya(Willie's parents)--we also had Willies racing number embroidered on the right breast area of all of Cody's racing jerseys with an embroidered pink and green ribbon (Bubba colors were Willie's favorite, the number was done in Red, which is what Willie wore/rode). While he doesn't have the numbers on the new jerseys--he has talked about getting a "bum patch" with something in rememberance.

That horrible night I remember asking if he wanted to quit racing we would understand and fully support him, he said no, that he would keep racing for the 2 of them--and to this day he still does.

I don't know if you still have my phone number, but please call me at ANYTIME day or night, if you need to talk. I am here for you-as parents we just want to make our kids not hurt. We know bones heal, it's hard to explain that hearts will too. I'm at (509) 276-7244 or my cell number is (509) 995-7038.

Keeping you both in my prayers.
Dawn

[mommotox]

Angie - I am so sorry you and Ethan are having to go trhough this. I cannot imagine the hurt and sadness you are both feeling at this time.

For what it's worth, I think you are doing the right things. Encouraging him to talk about it, and letting him be the guide. He'll get through this with your love and support. I think his project will be a great way for him to think some of it through and get his feelings out.

You're doing the right things...hang in there and know that we are all here if you or Ethan need us!

Kim

[Cat9]

I just wanted to say that I've been thinking of you & your son Ethan and am continuing to keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. I also am hoping that Ethan's project has turned out to be a good way to express his feelings in remembrance of his buddy, Wyatt.

I can't imagine his pain inside - it's got to be so tough for him to have to deal with a loss like this at such a young age. I am so sorry for you both. Some things we'll never understand this side of heaven, but at least Ethan has a wonderful parent like you, loving him & standing with him in having to deal with this terrible event in his life.

May God give you wisdom and strength, Angie, as you work though this with your son.

[50ccMoM]

I just wanted to say that I've been thinking of you & your son Ethan and am continuing to keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. I also am hoping that Ethan's project has turned out to be a good way to express his feelings in remembrance of his buddy, Wyatt.

I can't imagine his pain inside - it's got to be so tough for him to have to deal with a loss like this at such a young age. I am so sorry for you both. Some things we'll never understand this side of heaven, but at least Ethan has a wonderful parent like you, loving him & standing with him in having to deal with this terrible event in his life.

May God give you wisdom and strength, Angie, as you work though this with your son.


Thank you everyone. Like so many others I had no other place to turn for support. It just proves that the RiderDown foundation is working. On one hand it's a very sad thing that it has to exist. On the other hand I'm glad that it's here !

Ethan and all of Wyatt's friends are handling this loss way better than they should have too. I was so proud of all of them. I learned this weekend that they absolutely understand more than we give them credit for.

Ethan's letter to Wyatt was placed with him along with the other gifts of love and friendship.

Ethan told me he is not afraid. He will continue to ride. Like so many others he wants to ride for Wyatt.

If anyone is planning on going to the Arena cross in Kentucky this weekend keep an eye out for #11 Ktm 65 and #511 yz85. He will be roosting for an angel and flying for the #529 !

-Angie

[50ccMoM]

Two steps forward and five back...... today it only took a song to shake him up. I saw the look on his face and I just new.

tonight, my ten year old tough guy was curled on my lap and crying. He is still angry and still asking the one question that I wish I could answer. Why ?

This past weekend was his first race since the accident. I won't lie I was a nervous wreck. I just wanted to make sure he was mentally ready and able. I think I called at least six times before his practice, a few after his heats and twice before and after his mains. His father assured me he was fine. He showed that his heart was in it and the desire to race was definitely there !

I have talked to a counselor and he said that sometimes kids won't even grieve for at least six months. I know that we are on the right track. I just never in a million years new how hard it would be to deal with my baby's first broken heart. ( and to his father... yes, he will always be my baby!)

[MxMom94]

Hi Angie
You and Ethan have been on my mind a lot lately. Yes, you are so correct with the 2 steps forward, 5 back--I guess all I can say is keep taking the 2 forward, not always do you have the 5 back, and you are making headway.

For me and Cody, songs are the ones that bring the most tears, but also some of the greatest memories and laughter too.

Broken hearts are so difficult to comfort. And yes, I don't care the age of our boys, they will always be our babies.

Take care.
Dawn

[#16mom]

Hi Angie. Although we didn't personally know Wyatt, we are from D6 and the tragedy has shaken our family. My son is 7 and he keeps asking what happened to the boy on the 529. I've tried explaining the best I can to him in a way that a 7 year old can understand but as you know it's hard. I can tell you though I was a nervous wreck this weekend when he raced and I'm usually the calmest mom at the track. I've never shook so bad. I pray that in time your baby will heal and will be able to smile when he hears those songs or has thoughts of Wyatt. And I pray to keep all our our racers safe out there on the track. (and yes he will always be your baby!)

[Cat9]

Hi Angie,

I am glad to hear that you were able to talk with a counselor - as they can often give you some very good insight as you continue to walk through the grieving process with your son...(yes, always your baby!) Keep the door open to the fact that at some point, it may also be helpful for Ethan to talk to one. There is no shame in getting him some help (if it becomes necessary) for him at any time- whatever it takes to get him through!

Obviously, Ethan's healing process is going to take time & you will probably continue to see new 'triggers' like the song that you talked about that really affected him. With each emotion coming forth, healing will begin to take some root & little by little, he'll begin to deal with this both emotionally & intellectually. Right now his mind & his emotions are probably a bit in conflict with one another & it's a confusing time for him. There's also not only the shock & realization that Wyatt died, but also the fact that he had absolutely no control over what has just happened to his good friend...so there's somewhat of a large level of insecurity looming in his own life since this happened. All of these feelings are new to him & the whole experience is still so fresh & raw in his emotions. Someone that he had 'a sense of real belonging with' as a peer is not only gone from his life, but also gone so suddenly. With him losing someone so close, it brings home many uncertainties like 'what could happen to someone else that I care about or love?'...

So...Angie, please be encouraged that your solid support and love is doing so incredibly much to help him heal. Just allowing him to express all his feelings without being made to feel 'small' (especially as a young guy) for even having all these different feelings is such a gift that you are giving him and also just being sensitive to him as he deals with this is so important in giving him a 'safe place' as he works through his pain in losing his good buddy, Wyatt. This is an incredibly tough experience to have to face at his young age...I've been keeping you guys in my prayers.

And...hey! I just wanted to add that I read that he did very well in his recent races - that is really great news - Congrats to Ethan and you, proud mom! :thumb

[50ccMoM]

I want everyone to know (and hear me ) when I say how much your support truly means to me. I have to admit that it was hard for me to start this thread in the beginning. I have cried tears of joy and many tears of sadness with the families that I have met through the RiderDown Foundation. This is the first time that I have been on the other side of things and needed my RiderDown family.
Friends and family on the outside cannot truly lend support. They do not understand why we allow our children to do this. Especially, after they see some of the tragedy and heartache. Just knowing that I can come here and not be judged and that their are other parents who get "it" is priceless !

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all.

-Angie

[racer mom]

Hang in there. Kids of a funny way of dealing with things. I wish we could TRULY remember what it was like to be their age and know what goes on in their heads.

He'll get through it with time and love from you. My son witnessed a man pass here locally one day while practicing. He was scared for awhile and refused to go back to that track. But he got through it. I know its not nearly as hard as what your son is going through and I would never compare the two. Just know..... you will all be ok.

[#16mom]

Wow Angie, I'm so glad you said that about being able to come on here and we "get it". I can't tell you how many times over the past 2 weeks that I have been criticized for still allowing my son to race after what happened to Wyatt. From co-workers that read about it in the paper and even from family members. And after a while you really start to doubt yourself and start the thinking of maybe I shouldn't let him do this. And belive me I've found myself thinking that a lot lately. But I also know (the reasonable side of me) that this type of tragedy can happen anywhere any time doing anything. And this is what they love right? It's just a constant battle.

[Riding the Metro]

Hi Angie,
You'd be surprised over the grief I received growing up in the moto-world. Luckily I was never seriously injured. I do however have to add that I suffered more injuries playing baseball throughout my childhood and adult life. No one ever said anything to that. I suppose it's a stigma associated with motorsports.

Hang in there Angie.

[tree11]

MAYBE A CHANGE WILL DO HIM GOOD.NEW BUDDYS!
WWW.FCAMOTOCROSS.COM

[Motomom649]

I didn't want to start a new thread on this but I need to get this out somewhere. My son knew and rode with Wyatt as well. You all know in this sport all of the kids are friends at the track. I have to post this where people understand. Like some have posted, outsiders don't get it. We too have heard from family that we are nuts to let our son continue to ride after hearing about Wyatt. My son went to motorama and John was there, and my husband spoke with him. We wanted/needed to do something so with permission we had #529 buttons made up. We will be taking them to sleepy opening day. I know this is going to ramble on and I apologize.

My son doesn't say much. But he also hasnt' spoken about my father dieing almost 4 yrs ago either, not much of a reaction so it is very hard for us not knowing how he feels, but he is doing ok, and he has his wyatt stickers and I think in his own way he is handleling this.

MY problem is I am simply devestated. It has been over a month now and I cannot stop thinking about this. It will hit me in the middle of the day. I cry on the way home from taking my son to school, because I know John isn't doing that with wyatt. I get choked up when I watch my son play, because I know they aren't doing that. I cry a little bit every single day. When I do I pray to God to please please, if his death is causing me this kind of pain, Please take a little bit of pain away from John's family. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain the Barto's are feeling. When my husband told me John was at motorama, All I thought about was how difficult that had to be for him. I cried again, I just want to know what Gods reason was for taking this boy from his family. People ask "were you close"..No, I wouldn't consider myself "close" to this family, but I knew them, and the motocross family is a family. i mean...why does that question even need to be asked?? My heart breaks every day for them. I cry, literally, every day for them. I need to get past this a little bit. I guess I dont' know how to grieve. I have cried more for Wyatt, then I have ever cried in my life. I feel like i need to do something and i know there is nothing I can do.

I do go back and forth about continuing this sport, but we all love it. I can't imagine not being a part of it. I don't know where this overload of emotion is coming from. I really don't know what I'm asking of anybody here. Am I losing it? Someone mentioned songs.. they do it to me every day. One or two in particular.

John told my husband at the funeral that he didnt' want anyone to ever forget wyatt.. and i want All of Wyatt's family to know, that we will never forget him, not in a million yrs. I want John to know that I think of them every day.

This is just such a devestating loss for the motocross family, as they all are. I think God has enough riders up there now and i pray that he doesn't take another one, i think the pits are full enough up there.

Thanks..just for letting me post this here, because getting it out, to those that understand has already helped me.

[#16mom]

Motomom649,
You said excatally how I've been feeling! We were at Motorama as well and when my son left the gates for the first time for the first practive I stood there and cried like a sobbing idiot. I never felt so scared in all my life. After that first practice I got a little better but wow that surge of emotion that took over I just had no idea where it came from! I had no idea that John came to Motorama. God bless him and his family. You are so right about motocross being a family. We don't need to be "close" to each other to grieve for each other. I only ever saw Wyatt never actually got to meet him and I've grieved since he has passed. It just doesn't matter if you are close or not. What happened broke my heart as it did many others and I just cannot imagine what the Barto's are going through. My initial reaction was how can I let him continue to ride, but then again how can I not? This is who he is and I can't take that away. So I pray and I pray some more to keep him and all riders safe everytime the get on their bikes and I hold my breath until he comes back off. We will be at sleepy opening day so we will try to find you for those pins! Stay strong mom!
Christie

[MxMom94]

Motomom649 & Christie-
thanks for posting--letting it out does help, and one of the ways I let it out is by the floodgates of my eyes. You never know when it will hit, that's the hard part. Tissues are a must at the track, in the car, and many other places.

I never had the opportunity to meet Wyatt or his family, but I feel like I know them too. Thats one of the really sad things about tragedy's like this. Parents, friends and families never want their loved one forgotten, and it is impossible to do so, but one thing that I do believe they find out, is how many people their child touched while alive, and even how many more they touch with their passing.

Let those tears fly, (mine are now for all of you) keep thinking about Wyatt, his family, and ALWAYS, ALWAYS, kiss your child (Yes, even if they don't like it!) and tell them you love them. Love--hummm, another funny thing.....I have found that I in the past few years I have grown to be more open about telling how many children that I love them--give them hugs at the track,or anywhere I might see them, and the thing that warms my heart, they say it back or smile or get embarrassed and it's all good.

Dawn