688MOM
03-11-2009, 01:28 PM
Well, today marks the 2nd anniversary of Amanda's crash and you would think it would get easier.. The day at least, but this last week I have found myself anxious and snippy… I looked on the calendar on Saturday and saw the 11th circled, my heart sank. You relive that day over and over again in your head as to what you could have done differently that day, what could you have done to prevent this from happening????
We we’re teaching Amanda how to pull the Toy Hauler and she pulled it out to the track the night before. I got up early that day to go out and cheer her on, I even argued with her younger sister to come with me. Even telling her what if something was to happen and I needed help loading up the trailer??? (Why would I say something like that?). She was so excited that day; something I hadn’t seen in a while… She was 4th Moto and Yippee, we would have an early day. She left the gate and got the hole shot… Man she was on her game today…. She finished 1st and was so excited!!! As her 2nd Moto came closer; I look back now and remember how I was fidgety, getting up and cleaning the Toy Hauler, sweeping it out… What was wrong with me, I never do that???
I filled her tank with fuel, had her gloves in the handle bars, her helmet sitting on the bars, her chest protector over the seat and goggles cleaned and on the grip and grabbed her starting blocks. Anxious to say the least, I grabbed the camera and the broom and walked behind her to the gate. I swept the starting gate and watched her tease the older riders and them tease her. The gate fell and off they went, Amanda getting the hole shot. I ran to my spot with camera in hand and started taking pictures… Last lap, as I followed her around the track taking pictures. The back straight away has a blind spot and I always took the shot as she came out of that area. I took the shot, but didn’t have Amanda in it. I put the camera down and started scanning and then I saw it; her red fender laying flat in the sand. I remember thinking; she’ll be walking over to her bike any minute. Any minute and I will see her any minute….then the flagger starts waving franticly. I threw my camera down and started running.
When I got to her (fat mama running), She was lying on her stomach with her head turned towards me. I remember calling out her name and she said “Mom”. I knew then, this was not going to be a trip to the Toy Hauler and rest a few minutes. When the Ambulance told me to get going to Reno, Care Flights should be here in 2 minutes. The normal 45 minute drive was just a blur of what ifs…. Somehow I beat Care Flight to the Hospital, the nurse told me they were 3-4 minutes out and I could wait by the Heli-pad… That’s where it hit me… Everything I was feeling that morning, things that I was saying that morning…. Oh my gosh…. I could have prevented this from happening. As a parent… I screwed up… I didn’t protect my child… I didn’t tell her I had a feeling… What did I do???
Today… I see it all the same way… Why did I not say something??? But I also see now that things could have been different, in the worse way. I have had people say to me; “God must have been busy that day and not paying attention.” At 1st I thought, yeh I guess so. Then I start thinking; “That’s not it at all. He was there the whole way. He held her on that track, he flew with her in Care Flight, he lay with her in the Trauma ICU, he held her at surgery, he held her for her 1st step , held her in Physical Therapy, got her to the hospital when she had her blood clots (3x) and has kept her filled with determination. So yes, he was there…. And I thank him every day.
Just as I thank our true friends; like you… Thank you for giving us a place to vent, to tell our true feelings, where people understand the severity of what an entire family goes through. Thank you for supporting my daughter and the support and kind words from all of you here at Rider Down.
We we’re teaching Amanda how to pull the Toy Hauler and she pulled it out to the track the night before. I got up early that day to go out and cheer her on, I even argued with her younger sister to come with me. Even telling her what if something was to happen and I needed help loading up the trailer??? (Why would I say something like that?). She was so excited that day; something I hadn’t seen in a while… She was 4th Moto and Yippee, we would have an early day. She left the gate and got the hole shot… Man she was on her game today…. She finished 1st and was so excited!!! As her 2nd Moto came closer; I look back now and remember how I was fidgety, getting up and cleaning the Toy Hauler, sweeping it out… What was wrong with me, I never do that???
I filled her tank with fuel, had her gloves in the handle bars, her helmet sitting on the bars, her chest protector over the seat and goggles cleaned and on the grip and grabbed her starting blocks. Anxious to say the least, I grabbed the camera and the broom and walked behind her to the gate. I swept the starting gate and watched her tease the older riders and them tease her. The gate fell and off they went, Amanda getting the hole shot. I ran to my spot with camera in hand and started taking pictures… Last lap, as I followed her around the track taking pictures. The back straight away has a blind spot and I always took the shot as she came out of that area. I took the shot, but didn’t have Amanda in it. I put the camera down and started scanning and then I saw it; her red fender laying flat in the sand. I remember thinking; she’ll be walking over to her bike any minute. Any minute and I will see her any minute….then the flagger starts waving franticly. I threw my camera down and started running.
When I got to her (fat mama running), She was lying on her stomach with her head turned towards me. I remember calling out her name and she said “Mom”. I knew then, this was not going to be a trip to the Toy Hauler and rest a few minutes. When the Ambulance told me to get going to Reno, Care Flights should be here in 2 minutes. The normal 45 minute drive was just a blur of what ifs…. Somehow I beat Care Flight to the Hospital, the nurse told me they were 3-4 minutes out and I could wait by the Heli-pad… That’s where it hit me… Everything I was feeling that morning, things that I was saying that morning…. Oh my gosh…. I could have prevented this from happening. As a parent… I screwed up… I didn’t protect my child… I didn’t tell her I had a feeling… What did I do???
Today… I see it all the same way… Why did I not say something??? But I also see now that things could have been different, in the worse way. I have had people say to me; “God must have been busy that day and not paying attention.” At 1st I thought, yeh I guess so. Then I start thinking; “That’s not it at all. He was there the whole way. He held her on that track, he flew with her in Care Flight, he lay with her in the Trauma ICU, he held her at surgery, he held her for her 1st step , held her in Physical Therapy, got her to the hospital when she had her blood clots (3x) and has kept her filled with determination. So yes, he was there…. And I thank him every day.
Just as I thank our true friends; like you… Thank you for giving us a place to vent, to tell our true feelings, where people understand the severity of what an entire family goes through. Thank you for supporting my daughter and the support and kind words from all of you here at Rider Down.